Oh Derek Jeter. Why you gotta play it that way? Don’t you realize that Arizona will be just lousy with fat white women in haltertops that will be crying their gummy, mascara-laden eyes out now that you’ve snubbed them? There, there fatty. It’s not the first time, and won’t be the last time, that the universe’s cruel machinations will bring you to tears. For instance, take these LINKS:

That’s it folks. We’re like Depression-era grandmas. We’ll stretch every link as far as we can.

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