The best part of the holidays is all the carbs. The other day I was eating a doughnut at work, when a coworker brought in a pie, and another coworker brought in a cake. This resulted in the best/worst sandwich in the history of mankind, right up there with the time Chris Dodd and Teddy Kennedy cornered a waitress in the hallway. Slabs of cake bracing a jelly-filled doughnut, with cherry pie filling as a condiment. As I took bite after bite, I could hear a tiny, almost inaudible voice. It was my pancreas. It was calling for help, a help that would never come. “Save me!” it cried. also: “LINKS!”

So, we need to leave. So there’s your podcast. You ungrateful bastards.

 

Christmas trees. Is there anything better than a really good Christmas tree? With the lights twinkling, the ornaments glinting, the squirrel that was hidden in the boughs of the tree chirping merrily as it chews on the extension cords a la Christmas Vacation, the sap that gets in your hair and makes you look like Cameron Diaz from Something About Mary after a double date, the needles that wind up in the carpet and the couch and somehow, inexplicably, in your cereal, and the smell MY GOD that Christmas tree smell like a pine-tree deodorizer just crawled up into your sinus and straight-up DIED. Also: LINKS!

That’s it for this week. Note that this would have been up earlier, except I just spent 12 hours cleaning fire extinguisher gunk out of every single thing I own. So suck it.